Tiny Flecks of Color

It's been a while since there was a new post... and I was pretty rough last week - a definite roller coaster. When I started this post a week ago I was going to explain a lot more, but today it seems trivial, or maybe just repeating the whole thing feels ridiculous, redundant, maybe just stupid.

In the past week I have been called: deluded, self important, two-faced, condescending, and a whole lot of other expletives. I have lost a friend, delt with issues in a family that - while they aren't necissarily my blood relatives - I care deeply about, and have many exhausting conversations and worry with my husband.

Work has been overwhelmingly hard, uncertain, and just plain exhausting.
And school - good graious... it was spring break and I am absolutely going crazy.
To top it off? I have fractured my finger. ha ha ha. I feel like such a doofus with this big THING on the end of my finger.
Oh! And today on my drive to school - I got flipped the bird.

When Chris proposed to me, there was this feeling that I had that was so overwhelming I could barely describe it. The only person who I think really knows what I felt was my Mom. I can only say that it was this squeezing around my heart. Squeezing of my heart. Something that the Hurston puts perfectly at the top of the page: a self-crushing love.

This feeling was strongest with Chris but happens to me with various other people... sometimes completely unexpectedly. The problem is that I fall in love all the time. I find a new piece of fabric and I LOVE it and immediately think of who the perfect person is to give such a beautiful thing to. I hear some new piece of exciting news and want to celebrate it to the millionth degree. THAT is exactly what gets me in trouble. To trunkate... I found out someone who I was really hopeful that I could be close to is pregnant. And here's the thing, I was really looking forward to this time because:
1. I am looking forward to being Auntie Annie.
2. I wanted to be able to give to this expectant Mom everything I think she deserves to have.

See, she's been through a lot. A lot of stress, and pain, and hurt. And I thought I could do something for her that would be free of all that. Why? Because. There is no why. She is a beautiful child of God. Created to be on this Earth for some reason - to bring this child into this world. And just for that fact alone, she deserves to be celebrate.

It's the same reason I threw a Sweet 16 party for a teen who has the LARGEST attitude and worst manners and really does nothing to make my life any better. But somewhere inside her there has to be a girl who needs my love.

Needs my love?!

Wow. I sound arrogant.

I've never thought I was condescending. I've never considered myself to be two-faced. To be called that (behind my back no less) cuts deeply. Two faced - why? Because I believe in respecting my elders? Because while I may not like something you do I will still love you? Condescending. Friends - confidants - say its because they are jealous of what I have. My relationship with Chris. I dont know, but it breaks my heart to think that my life may make someone else feel bad.

So, long story exceptionally short. We have cut ties. After unreturned emails, finding out about the pregnancy from other people, phone calls that never happened, congratulation cards that are overlooked, appologies that never came, and compassion that kept trying to no avail... I have been seen as "untrying". And I, we - Chris and I, can't keep doing that.

The box of things stashed away that I've collected for that future baby shower now need a new home. The glass baby bottles I found at an antique store that would be right up her alley - I'm not sure what to do. They are just harsh reminders of the love I am prohibited to give. And... it hurts. It hurts not to be accepted. It hurts to have the fibers of yourself be held against you. It hurts to loose something which had great potential - that you poured so much time and effort into.

I think we've all been there. Been let down. Been unappreciated. Been simply ignored. I think I would rather a straight, "I just dont like you" than silence or the snide accusations that sneak through a chain of "he said, she said".

What's the point? Where do I see the holy in all of this... mess. This darkness, and pain, and consuming head game?

Three things:
1. Two sundays ago it came in the form of a hug from an 8th grade boy, thanking me for the opportunity to go serve the needy. A boy who for all intents and purposed hasn't really communicated with me that much and certainly does NOT express his feelings.

2. This past sunday it was a facebook status of a cousin-in-law talking about how great it was to participate in something I had poured my work into, and how fun it was just to see me and Chris for a few minutes in a busy day.

3. Today it was the excitment in the voice of a young girl who hadn't seen me in a while.

None of these three had I intentionally pursued to impact their lives or shower with love. But it just happened.

Maybe we get caught up in the love that people refuse to recieve and miss out on the ones we love without realizing it. Mother Theresa tells us, "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." Perhaps it was too much to want to make this great gesture of love. Too much to handle that instead of seeing the log in their eye the sliver in my eye seemed so easy to criticize. It is far easier to hate than to love. But if I just continue to love... whomever, whenever... small things will bloom out of this love.

Today I see the holy in the things I dont even realize I am doing, in the people I dont even notice I am touching, in the ways in which the Spirit works through me without my knowing it. I think I will always worry about those who don't like me, but I'm going to have to go with the serenity prayer here:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

...twisting, reaching, and curling love into the lives of those who know me.

Isn't that what Jesus wanted as well? For us to be the branches going out into the world to share his love? After the things said to me, the way people have acted I could just hole up and say "screw you world!" My vine could shrivle up and die. It would be easier. It would be so nice to not care about anyone and rather just worry about yourself. But the part that makes life worth living, is the part where you feel that heart-squeezing, self-crushing love. The thing that says it doesn't matter what happens for me in return this person, animal, being deserves to be loved.

THAT is what makes this journey worth while.

Not singing for someone who has tears running down their face and thinking "Wow I must be amazing" but knowing that your music has given them some comfort that nothing else has.

Not giving a gift so that you can be the greatest person in someone's life, but rather to see that look of sheer joy on their face and know they feel important.

Not to get compliments, or praise, or thanks... but to know that one thing I may have done has made the world of someone else that much brighter.

I want to live simply to bring love... to be the encounter with the holy... in someone else's life.

“If you live for love, you spread kindness and compassion everywhere you go.
When you stop believing in your heart,
you are but a sterile vessel wandering in the wilderness.”

-Francis Hegmeyer