Tiny Flecks of Color

Both of the children in these videos were born prematurely by at least 2 months. As I watched these videos I was excited and moved at the amazing work being done in music therapy to assist these children. The intervention was literally changing their lives on screen.

But in the back of my head I could not help but think about how just a mere 26 years ago I myself entered the world 2 months to the day before I was actually due. I thought about how the doctors braced my parents, warning them that I only had a 50% chance at life, and after that I would probably still not be able to walk, or control my limbs. I would be blind, be unable to speak, unable to recognize my parents. I would suffer sever brain damage.

While some of you may wonder on the brain damage - I can assure you that I am none of those things.

Why?

That's my question.

Why am I so lucky? How did that happen? What was different about me?

I hate saying things like, "I am so blessed" - Not that I don't want to thank the Lord for the fortunate aspects of my life - rather that I feel terrible that I am in some way implying that others are not blessed. If by saying "I am blessed" defines being blessed as having "normal" or "typical" functioning and brain development THEN it also implies that someone who may be "atypical" in some way shape or form is therefor not blessed. And to look (especially in the case of an innocent baby - but also in all cases) at someone and deem that they are less loved, less worthy, less cared for... by GOD seems ludicrous!

A colleague of mine explained to me that we all have different blessings and burdens. I may be "typically" abled but I really struggle in a different area - where as an other person may not struggle. Either way is no better or worse than another, we look at one person's affliction and personally determine whether it is worse or better than another. It's a hard thing to imagine that someone's affliction with cancer could be better than someone else's spiritual affliction, but we are also clouded by our human way of seeing things.

Padre Pio is someone I have only begun to learn about. But he's a really interesting guy. Aside from being able to bi-locate (which is awesome) he also had the stigmata. When you have the stigmata (either seen or unseen) it causes constant and a considerable amount f pain. Some would not see this as a blessing. But Padre Pio didn't really suffer with it, he rejoiced in it that it helped save souls. Padre Pio because of his holiness is also said to have had physical attacks from the devil or demons. Rather than complaining about this and asking for the burden of being holy to be lifted, he prayed that his suffering, experience, and message would cause others to grow in faith and eventually help the world.

I've always seen things like tornadoes and hurricanes or earthquakes as sort of a nature's "free will" - like a cause and effect. So, because we choose sin, our world is flawed and thus we will have conflict in the way the world operates at a very basic level. Nature doesn't make sense. Its really in the end pretty unpredictable - meteorologists can try but seriously can you think of another profession in which you can be wrong most of the time and still have a job? Nature has conflict and cause and effect relationships, similar to our free will.

My colleague put it this way, "the more we sin, the more the physical world falls apart, the more we do penance (offer up our sufferings) the better the world gets".

This is something I have struggled with understanding for such a long time... it's hard to look at the world and just say "God isn't fair". It's hard for my human brain to understand, which I think is essentially the point of distinguishing the fact that not only am I human and God is...God. But also that God is a mystery. I can continue to ponder and search and wonder, but I may never understand. HOWEVER! I can understand that what is important is NOT my personal affliction compared to others but rather my reaction to my situation. I can be like Padre Pio and suffer in a giving way - to help others OR I can suffer with pride and arrogance and make things worse.

I am struggling with my spirituality not my belief but my questions and longing. Thus my reflection on the scripture saying: "I do believe, help my unbelief". I probably would be classified in the beatitudes as one who "hunger and thirsts for righteousness" - I feel as if I am always hungry for more... longing to be closer... struggling and looking for more. Its a real point of contention and pain for me. I could probably get mad and just say "Who cares" it would be much easier to not care. But rather, I enjoy teaching others (particularly teens) about what I do know or understand in order to help them develop their spirituality and then letting them teach me and help me grow.

I may not struggle with a developmental delay but I can use my talents and gifts to help those who do have special needs. AND! The awesome part is that in my limited experience thus far, my work with those who have different blessings than I, has proven to be rewarding. The experiences I have had have truly allowed me to grow in my faith or opened my eyes to the "tiny flecks of color" God is asking me to see.

I can see myself as blessed or burdened in any situation... what I choose will make all the difference.

SO! I will thank God for the blessing that is my brain and use the gifts I have been blessed with to help those who do not share the same blessing as me. And I think maybe that's the point of our world's variety of blessings.

What do you think?