Tiny Flecks of Color

I work as the coordinator of youth ministry for two catholic churches. I love my job. Seriously. I love the teens. I love middle school students. They are just so much fun. And when you work with something as tricky, and fun, and surprising, and hard, and mysterious as faith... amazing things happen all the time. I love it. I love seeing the development of a relationship with the divine between these teens and God. I love their questions, and attention spans (even as short as they are), and their wonder.

That being said. I am also a student. I am getting an equivalency degree in music therapy. As a student I have to complete semester long practicums. This semester I am in a special education classroom in the high school. It is just as challenging as it is rewarding. I am humbled, bewildered, overwhelmed, and thrilled all at the same time. Its an awesome experience.

This past week's practicum session... was a gift from God.

The whole session was a whirlwind. We tried a whole bunch of new activities. I was playing the piano, leading singing, playing tone chimes, directing discussion, and tossing balls. Almost all at the same time. BUT most importantly I was given the opportunity to work closely with the most difficult client. No. Not the behavior disorder client. No. Not the client who doesn't want to participate. I worked with K. Client K... sits confined in a wheelchair. He is hooked up to a feeding tube and monitors. He only moves his left hand. When asked how we know if he likes something or not, the aides informed us that we just assume he likes something until he gets upset and indicates that he doesn't.

Great.

That's scary.

Oh and the first time we ever worked in the group I asked an aide to see if she could have him participate in an activity. As I handed her a maraca... she said, "Oh he's having a seizure right now..."

Great.

I will fully admit that I am a little nervous when working with clients with profound disabilities. NOT necessarily because of them, or their condition, but rather because I have to work in front of their aides. I am afraid of doing something wrong and making the aides mad or looking like an idiot. On the other hand, I was getting a little frustrated because the aides were not doing what I wanted them to do for a client. SO! Today, I had a chance to work one on one with Client K during an activity. I asked the aides for reinforcement of what I was doing... but I also just went for it! And He responded! Positively!! He scratched at the tambourine, he quieted down from the vocalizations he had been making earlier, and he did not make any indications that he was unhappy. When we played the guitar right up next to him, he exploded in laughter! It was absolutely amazing. I had not expected that. In a million years. He placed his hand on the guitar while we helped the other hand strum the guitar strings.

Probably what impacted me most, is that while we were playing the tambourine together. Just me and Client K, singing "We will rock you" with a tambourine... he turned his head and looked straight at me. We had eye contact for about 2 whole minutes. He just stared at me. And I just did whatever I could to look like I was thrilled to be there with him. To have the brightest affect, the happiest smile, the most welcoming and caring look.

Part of me wonders if there was anything going through his mind. I might daydream that He somehow knows whats going on around him, and that I made a difference on a mundane Tuesday afternoon at school... or, maybe there is nothing. Maybe there will never be anything...

But no matter what I did to change a moment in his life, He changed my life in one moment.


I think I am going to love this job.

How do you blog to inspire, or maybe just get people thinking about the wonder of the holy surrounding them, when you yourself are uninspired? When your spirit feels broken, and your eyes know better how to cry than smile? Obviously it's been hard. And again my guilt and the "should" statements start and torment me with the overwhelming fact that is has been so terribly long since I've blogged.

It's a hard place that I am in. Physically. Where I am... I feel very alone. Of course I have an amazing husband, and a sweet little pup. I have people who I can smile and say "hello" to. And there are even a small number of people who can even cross the barrier to give a hug. There are amazing friendships and relationships that have blossomed in the past 4 years. There are children who have stolen my heart, teens who I would do anything for, and people who I call a dear friends.

But there is a lot of quiet. Literally, my husband is an actor. His schedule is often the opposite of my class/work schedule. Often I find myself home alone with the silence.
There There are those who don't make eye contact. Conflicts that break my heart, torture my spirit. I play mind games with myself, allowing scenarios to spin around my head until I am dizzy with exhaustion.

I have come to the conclusion... that I was put here (my current living space) to learn humility and quietness. I've gotten much quieter since I moved here. I listen more. I'm not quite so say-the-first-thing-that-comes-to-your-mind like. I've learned to stand up for myself and at the same time let things roll off my back. To understand really what it is to feel alone. To feel the real suffocating blanket of depression. Thanks God. I got it. Let me know what you want me to do with it.I am STILL learning not to dwell on people or situations that seem impossible but to love them for what they are and let them go. I think God wanted to make sure I understood these things to make sure my skin got a little tougher. To learn who it is that I can truly trust. To learn to hold my tongue, to count my blessings, to realize what... WHO... is really important. To get my priorities straight and to not only have a clear vision for life but to listen to God's plan.

The weekend was amazing. Not laborious by any means (except for 10 hours in a car)... but in general so absolutely perfect that I cannot describe. This weekend... was exactly the respite I needed. God was just loving on me. Maybe rewarding me (I'd like to think of it that way) for surviving all I had been through. I could feel it in the air that filled my lungs, the arms of my Mom...my Dad... Aunt, Uncle, cousins that held me. I could hear it in the crashing of the waves, the laughter of children. There is nothing like being around kids to feel important. Upon my arrival it was, "I want to be on Annie's team" "I want Annie as my partner" "I want to spend the night at Camp Annie" "Will you take me to the beach?" "Push me on the tire swing?" "Take me in the water?"... No. It isn't annoying. I want to do all those things and more. I want to love people who want to love me in return. Is it easy? Yes. Do I still need to love those who are hard to love? Of course. But this weekend, being surrounded by people who made it easy to love and be loved was a nice break.

Today, being back in the office...trying to ward of the overwhelming oppression of the "real world" and get back into the swing of things... I open up a devotional. The reflection word? Relics. Hee hee hee... this is the 4th time in the past month of owning this book that I have had a blatantly obvious God moment come to me through the words.

Relics might be creepy when we're talking about parts of saints bodies. I remember the first church my family was a part of... where I made my first communion and was an altar server... had the knuckle of a saint in the altar. Gross! Sacred Heart (where I work now) has a whole bunch... and of course having spent time in Italy, I've seen tons! (my favorite is Galileo's middle finger) However, as the book explained, we all keep relics. Maybe grandmas ring or a flower from a boyfriend. Relics help us remember loved ones even after they died. They keep us connected to the person but also remind us of the hope of reunion in heaven. Relics of a saint give us hope to share eternal life with them.

The reflection question: What relics do you treasure? When you look at something that belongs to someone you love - pray for them and then say "thank you"! “Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting - a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson



I am a knick knacky person. Our apartment has all sorts of things sitting around on bookshelves and end tables. Everything hanging on our walls has a story. So, here are a few of my relics. The things that remind me of the gifts God has given me... the angels placed in my life. And I encourage you to think about what you are holding onto, what it means, who it reminds you of, and ultimately the creator that put them in your life.

1. my engagement ring. Its perfect and beautiful and obviously extremely important to me. It's a pearl, Chris' birthstone. Its meaning: loyalty, faithfulness and friendship. A pearl is made by an oyster when something is irritating it. When I look at it, I am reminded of Christopher. I am reminded that even in the tough times we are creating something spectacular. A life together that will take a long time to make but will end up as beautiful as this pearl. I am reminded of the effort he went through to give it to me. The fact that it was made here in the Mississippi - the place where we met, where we live, what brought us together. My engagement ring makes me pray in thanksgiving for the gift that he is to me, pray for his protection and care, and a prayer to better myself to be patient, understanding and not let the irritating things get in the way of our love.

2. The artwork from my mom I got for Christmas. It is lyrics to potentially the first song I ever knew. Its the same song that played in a musical lamp she made for me when I was a child. She is amazing. When I look at the piece I think of her. But I also think of the lyrics and then think of my brother and sister... my dearest friends. I pray in thanksgiving for the family I was blessed with... the MMACK team, the toughest club to get into. I am eternally grateful, because they made me who I am. I pray for C & K, that we remain as close as we are for the rest of our lives.

3. Pottery made by one of my closest friends, Alexis. It's hard to explain... I can only say she's my soul sister. The person who understands me, who I look up to and learn from, and who I admire and love intensely. Looking at her skill (and I only get the "throw away" pieces) I think of the beauty she's brought to my life. I think about when we met, the adventures we've been on. I am blessed to have her in my life. I pray for her happiness. I pray that I am as good of a friend to her as she is to me. And then I pray for all my friends... people who I always want to get to know better, or keep in touch with. People who are there with me day in and out. People who I've drifted apart from. I pray that I left footprints of love and compassion in their life journey. I pray that I was an example of God's love and I pray for forgiveness if I wasn't.

 4. My hope chest, a photograph of a sunflower, a (very) early baby present packed away, a miss piggy picture frame, a necklace, some books, and more... my extended family. Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents, In-laws, Friends-of-the-family-who've-known-me-since-birth, all the people who have loved me and given more than they ever had to take care of me. I pray that I can someday pay it forward. To my cousins, to my nieces and nephews, to my friends' children, to my grandchildren... I want to live up to the high standard that was set on loving me.

5. And then there's this...

and I cant say anything more. Seriously. God put this monster in my life... She's both an amusement, a terror, and a little fur ball of love that I could not imagine living without. I like the way she smells, the way wiggles her butt when she walks, the way she's so sassy/stubborn and the way she howls.

How can you feel bad when she greets you at the door like you're the best person in the world?

A song that has me thinking... from the musical The Fantastics
Try to remember when life was so tender

That no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender
That love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.

Deep in December, it's nice to remember,

Although you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Without a hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow.