I used to blog...

Posted by Annie On 10/04/2010 02:22:00 PM 0 comments

Today as I was listening to the radio on the way to work, and the radio personalities were joking about myspace and how it is so "OUT" now. No one goes on myspace. It's all about facebook, right? But this peaked my curiosity. I used to have a myspace. OK, well I still do but I probably haven't been on it since... 2007? Maybe? So I wanted to go on and check out old posts. Isn't it funny to look back on old things you wrote? Old journals, or blogs, or letters. I love doing that. Normally, I like to see what changed. How prayers were answered. Laugh at "terrible" situations that I thought I would "never make it through" and see just how trivial it all actually was.

So I read old blog posts off my MySpace.

One of particular interest and a good lesson for me to remember:

Saturday, June 24, 2006
For those of you who don't know, Chris' Uncle Kurt passes away Thursday. We had kept getting calls saying that he was getting worse and Chris was going to go up there to visit right after the wedding. Then Thursday his aunt called and said it was bad and that Kurt wouldn't last more than two days. So he left immediately. 6 hours later he was in DesMoines and only about an hour later Kurt passed away.
I've never met this man, and yet somehow I am really effected by his death. He had battled cancer for a few years (if I understand correctly) and its just so ridiculously sad. I mean, the man when through hell and now he has left behind 4 kids. The oldest is only 19. I have just randomly started crying about 4 times already just thinking about the kind of torture that must be. And I just think about losing my parents, or my brother or sister, or someday my husband or son... I have only faced death a few times in my life, and maybe I was too young to understand but I am just really thinking about the awfulness of it all...

of course I made it all better by watching a channel 11 show on Thursday night about kids with cancer or leukemia and things like that... and it just makes me sick to think of the things we all have to face in life. And I wonder what I will have to face. I make Chris promise over and over again not to get cancer, to take care of his diabetes... and I know that some of those promises are illogical, but its just I never ever want to lose him...God... if I ever lost him. Or my family. I would want to die...seriously. It would break me.
so I guess I want to take the advice the woman who gave the message in church today was talking about... I don't want to save my happiness, or my fortune, or my spirituality until I need it...because I need it now. We all do... you know? Every day we have to prepare for the next...and so we need to live, and live smartly, and live happily. We don't have time to wrap ourselves up in hurt, or anger, or sorrow. We don't have time to take care of ourselves tomorrow... because tomorrow never comes. I'm not saying emotions should be disregarded or whatever. But I mean, oh lord I don't know what I mean. I guess I mean, take every moment, every feeling...and LIVE it, feel it...and just do it... (thank you Nike)...but really just go and do it.

___________________________________________________________________________

Back to October 2010...

Funny I dont really remember that post. I dont remember the t.v. show. I remember Chris' uncle's death. It still makes me cry. But I honestly dont remember the message at church I referenced. But the post is so fitting for today.

It's been a particularly rough couple of days. DRAMA. And people showing their true colors. It's interesting... and heartbreaking... and it rattles the soul and core of your being when you come under so much fire. It's worse when you see it being done to someone you love, like your husband. Right or wrong, I invest so much of my heart into him that this problem creeps into my life as well. But this too shall pass and I look forward to the closing of this chapter in Chris' life.

What stuck me about my post from the past was the phrase I wrote four years ago... "I don't want to save my happiness, or my fortune, or my spirituality until I need it...because I need it now."

And I still need it. NOW.

How often do I take for granted people in my life? How often do I "save" my happiness - or let the negativity consume me? Do I make time for fostering my faith? Sharing my spirituality? Do I show it? Am I an example to those around me? Do I let people know that they are loved?

Today as I drove home (or rather to work) from school, I just opened my contacts in my phone and started calling all the people I always think about and never actually talk to. I didn't get to everyone, it's only a 45 minute drive. But I stopped saving my happiness - or what makes me happy - for when I "move back to Chicago" or have time for a really long call. I got over the lethargy or anxiety that normally prevents me from calling. I wanted to tell these people that I love them, and finally DO it already. It's really funny that just now, looking up my myspace blog, that's what I had challenged myself to do all those years ago. I'm still learning, but I'm glad I also put myself into action. I challenged myself to, "live, and live smartly, and live happily." With all that was going on, it is so easy to be burdened. Chris' problems, my feelings, lost relationships, whatever! It all gets in the way. But, for example, this weekend I sent off a congratulatory gift to a lost friend on the birth of her new baby. Maybe she opened it. Maybe she threw it away... I can't worry about it. I cant let myself be wrapped ourselves up in hurt, or anger, or sorrow and not break free long enough to love people. Today I am proud of myself for taking control, for not letting my fears or insecurity or feelings of depression take over. I lived in the moment I had. I didn't put it off.



No, I didn't get to everyone. But to quote Scarlett O'Hara, "After all... tomorrow is another day..." and I can challange myself try to do it again. Soon.

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    Annie
    New music therapist blog addict lover of life
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