Tiny Flecks of Color

How do you blog to inspire, or maybe just get people thinking about the wonder of the holy surrounding them, when you yourself are uninspired? When your spirit feels broken, and your eyes know better how to cry than smile? Obviously it's been hard. And again my guilt and the "should" statements start and torment me with the overwhelming fact that is has been so terribly long since I've blogged.

It's a hard place that I am in. Physically. Where I am... I feel very alone. Of course I have an amazing husband, and a sweet little pup. I have people who I can smile and say "hello" to. And there are even a small number of people who can even cross the barrier to give a hug. There are amazing friendships and relationships that have blossomed in the past 4 years. There are children who have stolen my heart, teens who I would do anything for, and people who I call a dear friends.

But there is a lot of quiet. Literally, my husband is an actor. His schedule is often the opposite of my class/work schedule. Often I find myself home alone with the silence.
There There are those who don't make eye contact. Conflicts that break my heart, torture my spirit. I play mind games with myself, allowing scenarios to spin around my head until I am dizzy with exhaustion.

I have come to the conclusion... that I was put here (my current living space) to learn humility and quietness. I've gotten much quieter since I moved here. I listen more. I'm not quite so say-the-first-thing-that-comes-to-your-mind like. I've learned to stand up for myself and at the same time let things roll off my back. To understand really what it is to feel alone. To feel the real suffocating blanket of depression. Thanks God. I got it. Let me know what you want me to do with it.I am STILL learning not to dwell on people or situations that seem impossible but to love them for what they are and let them go. I think God wanted to make sure I understood these things to make sure my skin got a little tougher. To learn who it is that I can truly trust. To learn to hold my tongue, to count my blessings, to realize what... WHO... is really important. To get my priorities straight and to not only have a clear vision for life but to listen to God's plan.

The weekend was amazing. Not laborious by any means (except for 10 hours in a car)... but in general so absolutely perfect that I cannot describe. This weekend... was exactly the respite I needed. God was just loving on me. Maybe rewarding me (I'd like to think of it that way) for surviving all I had been through. I could feel it in the air that filled my lungs, the arms of my Mom...my Dad... Aunt, Uncle, cousins that held me. I could hear it in the crashing of the waves, the laughter of children. There is nothing like being around kids to feel important. Upon my arrival it was, "I want to be on Annie's team" "I want Annie as my partner" "I want to spend the night at Camp Annie" "Will you take me to the beach?" "Push me on the tire swing?" "Take me in the water?"... No. It isn't annoying. I want to do all those things and more. I want to love people who want to love me in return. Is it easy? Yes. Do I still need to love those who are hard to love? Of course. But this weekend, being surrounded by people who made it easy to love and be loved was a nice break.

Today, being back in the office...trying to ward of the overwhelming oppression of the "real world" and get back into the swing of things... I open up a devotional. The reflection word? Relics. Hee hee hee... this is the 4th time in the past month of owning this book that I have had a blatantly obvious God moment come to me through the words.

Relics might be creepy when we're talking about parts of saints bodies. I remember the first church my family was a part of... where I made my first communion and was an altar server... had the knuckle of a saint in the altar. Gross! Sacred Heart (where I work now) has a whole bunch... and of course having spent time in Italy, I've seen tons! (my favorite is Galileo's middle finger) However, as the book explained, we all keep relics. Maybe grandmas ring or a flower from a boyfriend. Relics help us remember loved ones even after they died. They keep us connected to the person but also remind us of the hope of reunion in heaven. Relics of a saint give us hope to share eternal life with them.

The reflection question: What relics do you treasure? When you look at something that belongs to someone you love - pray for them and then say "thank you"! “Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting - a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson



I am a knick knacky person. Our apartment has all sorts of things sitting around on bookshelves and end tables. Everything hanging on our walls has a story. So, here are a few of my relics. The things that remind me of the gifts God has given me... the angels placed in my life. And I encourage you to think about what you are holding onto, what it means, who it reminds you of, and ultimately the creator that put them in your life.

1. my engagement ring. Its perfect and beautiful and obviously extremely important to me. It's a pearl, Chris' birthstone. Its meaning: loyalty, faithfulness and friendship. A pearl is made by an oyster when something is irritating it. When I look at it, I am reminded of Christopher. I am reminded that even in the tough times we are creating something spectacular. A life together that will take a long time to make but will end up as beautiful as this pearl. I am reminded of the effort he went through to give it to me. The fact that it was made here in the Mississippi - the place where we met, where we live, what brought us together. My engagement ring makes me pray in thanksgiving for the gift that he is to me, pray for his protection and care, and a prayer to better myself to be patient, understanding and not let the irritating things get in the way of our love.

2. The artwork from my mom I got for Christmas. It is lyrics to potentially the first song I ever knew. Its the same song that played in a musical lamp she made for me when I was a child. She is amazing. When I look at the piece I think of her. But I also think of the lyrics and then think of my brother and sister... my dearest friends. I pray in thanksgiving for the family I was blessed with... the MMACK team, the toughest club to get into. I am eternally grateful, because they made me who I am. I pray for C & K, that we remain as close as we are for the rest of our lives.

3. Pottery made by one of my closest friends, Alexis. It's hard to explain... I can only say she's my soul sister. The person who understands me, who I look up to and learn from, and who I admire and love intensely. Looking at her skill (and I only get the "throw away" pieces) I think of the beauty she's brought to my life. I think about when we met, the adventures we've been on. I am blessed to have her in my life. I pray for her happiness. I pray that I am as good of a friend to her as she is to me. And then I pray for all my friends... people who I always want to get to know better, or keep in touch with. People who are there with me day in and out. People who I've drifted apart from. I pray that I left footprints of love and compassion in their life journey. I pray that I was an example of God's love and I pray for forgiveness if I wasn't.

 4. My hope chest, a photograph of a sunflower, a (very) early baby present packed away, a miss piggy picture frame, a necklace, some books, and more... my extended family. Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents, In-laws, Friends-of-the-family-who've-known-me-since-birth, all the people who have loved me and given more than they ever had to take care of me. I pray that I can someday pay it forward. To my cousins, to my nieces and nephews, to my friends' children, to my grandchildren... I want to live up to the high standard that was set on loving me.

5. And then there's this...

It's been a while since there was a new post... and I was pretty rough last week - a definite roller coaster. When I started this post a week ago I was going to explain a lot more, but today it seems trivial, or maybe just repeating the whole thing feels ridiculous, redundant, maybe just stupid.

In the past week I have been called: deluded, self important, two-faced, condescending, and a whole lot of other expletives. I have lost a friend, delt with issues in a family that - while they aren't necissarily my blood relatives - I care deeply about, and have many exhausting conversations and worry with my husband.

Work has been overwhelmingly hard, uncertain, and just plain exhausting.
And school - good graious... it was spring break and I am absolutely going crazy.
To top it off? I have fractured my finger. ha ha ha. I feel like such a doofus with this big THING on the end of my finger.
Oh! And today on my drive to school - I got flipped the bird.

When Chris proposed to me, there was this feeling that I had that was so overwhelming I could barely describe it. The only person who I think really knows what I felt was my Mom. I can only say that it was this squeezing around my heart. Squeezing of my heart. Something that the Hurston puts perfectly at the top of the page: a self-crushing love.

This feeling was strongest with Chris but happens to me with various other people... sometimes completely unexpectedly. The problem is that I fall in love all the time. I find a new piece of fabric and I LOVE it and immediately think of who the perfect person is to give such a beautiful thing to. I hear some new piece of exciting news and want to celebrate it to the millionth degree. THAT is exactly what gets me in trouble. To trunkate... I found out someone who I was really hopeful that I could be close to is pregnant. And here's the thing, I was really looking forward to this time because:
1. I am looking forward to being Auntie Annie.
2. I wanted to be able to give to this expectant Mom everything I think she deserves to have.

See, she's been through a lot. A lot of stress, and pain, and hurt. And I thought I could do something for her that would be free of all that. Why? Because. There is no why. She is a beautiful child of God. Created to be on this Earth for some reason - to bring this child into this world. And just for that fact alone, she deserves to be celebrate.

It's the same reason I threw a Sweet 16 party for a teen who has the LARGEST attitude and worst manners and really does nothing to make my life any better. But somewhere inside her there has to be a girl who needs my love.

Needs my love?!

Wow. I sound arrogant.

I've never thought I was condescending. I've never considered myself to be two-faced. To be called that (behind my back no less) cuts deeply. Two faced - why? Because I believe in respecting my elders? Because while I may not like something you do I will still love you? Condescending. Friends - confidants - say its because they are jealous of what I have. My relationship with Chris. I dont know, but it breaks my heart to think that my life may make someone else feel bad.

So, long story exceptionally short. We have cut ties. After unreturned emails, finding out about the pregnancy from other people, phone calls that never happened, congratulation cards that are overlooked, appologies that never came, and compassion that kept trying to no avail... I have been seen as "untrying". And I, we - Chris and I, can't keep doing that.

The box of things stashed away that I've collected for that future baby shower now need a new home. The glass baby bottles I found at an antique store that would be right up her alley - I'm not sure what to do. They are just harsh reminders of the love I am prohibited to give. And... it hurts. It hurts not to be accepted. It hurts to have the fibers of yourself be held against you. It hurts to loose something which had great potential - that you poured so much time and effort into.

I think we've all been there. Been let down. Been unappreciated. Been simply ignored. I think I would rather a straight, "I just dont like you" than silence or the snide accusations that sneak through a chain of "he said, she said".

What's the point? Where do I see the holy in all of this... mess. This darkness, and pain, and consuming head game?

Three things:
1. Two sundays ago it came in the form of a hug from an 8th grade boy, thanking me for the opportunity to go serve the needy. A boy who for all intents and purposed hasn't really communicated with me that much and certainly does NOT express his feelings.

2. This past sunday it was a facebook status of a cousin-in-law talking about how great it was to participate in something I had poured my work into, and how fun it was just to see me and Chris for a few minutes in a busy day.

3. Today it was the excitment in the voice of a young girl who hadn't seen me in a while.

None of these three had I intentionally pursued to impact their lives or shower with love. But it just happened.

Maybe we get caught up in the love that people refuse to recieve and miss out on the ones we love without realizing it. Mother Theresa tells us, "In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love." Perhaps it was too much to want to make this great gesture of love. Too much to handle that instead of seeing the log in their eye the sliver in my eye seemed so easy to criticize. It is far easier to hate than to love. But if I just continue to love... whomever, whenever... small things will bloom out of this love.

Today I see the holy in the things I dont even realize I am doing, in the people I dont even notice I am touching, in the ways in which the Spirit works through me without my knowing it. I think I will always worry about those who don't like me, but I'm going to have to go with the serenity prayer here:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

...twisting, reaching, and curling love into the lives of those who know me.

Isn't that what Jesus wanted as well? For us to be the branches going out into the world to share his love? After the things said to me, the way people have acted I could just hole up and say "screw you world!" My vine could shrivle up and die. It would be easier. It would be so nice to not care about anyone and rather just worry about yourself. But the part that makes life worth living, is the part where you feel that heart-squeezing, self-crushing love. The thing that says it doesn't matter what happens for me in return this person, animal, being deserves to be loved.

THAT is what makes this journey worth while.

Not singing for someone who has tears running down their face and thinking "Wow I must be amazing" but knowing that your music has given them some comfort that nothing else has.

Not giving a gift so that you can be the greatest person in someone's life, but rather to see that look of sheer joy on their face and know they feel important.

Not to get compliments, or praise, or thanks... but to know that one thing I may have done has made the world of someone else that much brighter.

I want to live simply to bring love... to be the encounter with the holy... in someone else's life.

“If you live for love, you spread kindness and compassion everywhere you go.
When you stop believing in your heart,
you are but a sterile vessel wandering in the wilderness.”

-Francis Hegmeyer